My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
