I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
