I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
