Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
