The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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