she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
