Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
do nipples grow back?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
