In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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