If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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