If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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