Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
