'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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