I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
