dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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