Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
