evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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