I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
