my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
