I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize