im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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