nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
zippers are such a cool invention
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
