It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
