my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
