Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
