Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
