p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
