a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
