Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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