Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
