I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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