I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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