I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
