you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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