I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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