Just fell off a train. Bad.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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