Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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