Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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