i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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