i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
