I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
