so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
