My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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