do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
