We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
