remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
