Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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