Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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