how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
