im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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