is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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