1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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