i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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