Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
