I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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