Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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