My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
