I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
