Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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