I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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