At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
