im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
