i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
